I’ve made it through most of my life scared.. Scared of what the future held based off of the decisions that I’ve made. Too afraid of what the consequences might be, but still keeping my poker face on. I think that’s one of the biggest misconceptions people have about me, that because I can be outspoken and come off as abrasive at times, that I am not allowed to be vulnerable or get nervous, or have my feelings hurt, or even deserving of the question “Are you ok?” A couple of months ago, I quit my job. No two weeks notice. No nothing. Did I know what the fuck I was doing? Nah, I still don’t, but I guess that’s the beauty about life. I’ve been meaning to write these thoughts down, but I was too afraid to have written proof about my truth. The truth is, that was one of the scariest yet most empowering decisions that I’ve ever made to date. I put my happiness and my sanity first, and put everything else in God’s hands. The truth, my truth, which is that I finally took a stand for me. I chose me. A lesson that I’m sure was time to learn.
Before I made the decision to leave my job, I weighed my options, and taking time to fuel my passions, and most importantly have time to do whatever the fuck it is that I wanted to do outweighed the latter. Although the thought of not receiving a pay check every other week scared me, my boyfriend and best friend reassured me that I’d be ok. I was taking a risk, I know. But what did I really have to lose? Money? Yeah there’s this saying that it makes the world go round, which is why in my opinion having less money makes it easier to take chances. And plus, I didn’t want to waste any more time. But that didn’t stop the people around me from asking, “So, what are you gonna do?” “Do you have a plan?” “Do you think it was worth it?” “What are you going to do about money?” Everyone’s main concern was money, why wasn’t it happiness? I know too many people working jobs that they hate, why? Because it “pays the bills”. Why are people OK with working jobs just to “get by”? You are investing your time and energy, it might as well be you doing something that you at least like. Lauryn Hill once said, “Whenever we submit our will to someone else’s opinion, apart of us dies.” And that’s what many of us do, forget about ourselves and focus on others. That quote speaks volumes. **(God really took his time with Ms. Lauryn btw, she’s special)** So, although there were people unsure of my decision, that didn’t stop me from doing me.
Doing me was easier said than done though, I had several emotional breakdowns, so many days where I laid in bed the entire day, getting up to just use the bathroom, I’d lost my appetite, I was ignoring phone calls, and taking days to return text messages, (which is something that i rarely do btw) I declined offers to go out, all I wanted to do was sleep, I guess I was depressed. I would cry constantly and excessively. I was literally an emotional wreck. This is not what I had in mind at all. I am beyond thankful for the people closest to me for their continuous support. We live in a generation now where if you don’t post about it, you must not be going through it, so people don’t think to check in regularly. The road to self-discovery is a trying one and can also be a lonely one.
Fast forward and months later, I’m looking back and I wouldn’t change a damn thing. In that time, StrippedByHD was born, the website for my clothing line NAVOIR launched, and there are several other projects in the works. I needed that break down to happen in order for me to rebuild myself, redefine myself, re-intoduce myself to me. I’d advise everyone, if it’s possible to take some “me time”, don’t get so caught up in working and slaving for someone else’s dream that you lose sight of yours. I prefer “oh-well’s” over “what if’s” any day. Charlamagne from Power 105 FM, always says it’s never wins and losses, it’s wins and lessons. Say it again with me, NEVER WINS AND LOSSES, IT’s WINS AND LESSONS.
“Me-time” is essential for growth and self-reflection. I had neglected me so much that when I broke down, I was almost stuck at a standstill. I was out of tune with me. My entire life, I have either gone to school and/or worked, this was my “snooze” button. Mentally, I had been fatigued, physically exhausted and spiritually I was depleted. I learned so much more about myself than I ever had before. It is true that you find strength that you never knew existed when you least expect it. This time off made me realize who or what served a purpose in my life. I realized what matters. I rediscovered myself in a way that I have never before. It’s such a great feeling when you start really living for you, despite all of the noise around you. I can honestly say that I’ve grown weary of anyone or anything that does not feed my soul. Miss me with the bullshit.
(This post was intended for you to be a
little lot more cautious when you “assume” that someone has their shit together, be a little more delicate with one another & please remember it costs you nothing to ask someone something as simple as “Are you ok?”, it’s so easy to hide your pain behind a smile, trust me I’ve mastered it)
D. Wil xoxo